What I Know...

The last fews days haven't been very pretty, let me tell you. I don't have this thing figured out, but I do know the following:

I am NOT meant to weigh myself weekly and then face the results of that number with others watching and THEN go sit in a chair and listen to how others lost several pounds in the last week, while I'm just trying real hard to stare at the floor without crying.

Just the thought of getting in my car on Monday to go to the weigh in makes me sick and I have found myself at least 3 times in the last 24 hours, mess up my eating because this growing voice inside me says " it doesn't matter". I keep fighting that voice, but you know, right now, the voice has evidence to back it up, so it makes it hard to argue with it.

I also know that I just don't have time to waste trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong or that I need to just stick in out for sometime and I'll start to see results. I am so sick of this being the end all and be all of my day. I am willing to work hard, but I need to see the payoff. Would you show up to a job and work hard only to have your boss not pay you, but promise to pay you in the future and then several weeks later, you still haven't been paid? How long would you last?

I just can't face Monday. Everytime I think about it, I cringe. I know that no matter how hard I work, or how well I eat, the chances of seeing a good result are close to nothing. The chances of me crying in the parking lot are a WAY lot better.

So, what do I do? Part of me really just wants to set simple eating goals, with less carbs, and do lots of cardio and see how it goes. No points, just eat less, eat better, and move more. And I really don't want to look at the scale for awhile nor sit in room with people all excited about their success while I try desparately to hold it together. I want to just look at inches lost and how much energy I've gained and the heck with that @*&(^%!!! scale. I've wasted half the week trying to get over Monday only to find myself ruining the last 2 days fearing that all my efforts don't matter anyway.

I tell you, I don't know what I'm going to do, but I can tell you that I won't be there on Monday. I'll be on my treadmill or doing my Biggest Loser DVD. I won't be defeated by a number. My success is not going to be determined by a number beneath my feet.